Announcer: And now the moment you've all been
Heckler: The end of the show!
Announcer: Come back with us now to merrie England in the middle ages, it is early in the 14th Century.
Heckler: About half past seven in the morning.
Announcer: Look, do I have to go through this every week. I'm sorry but somebody else can do the serious bits, I'm getting fed up with it.
Heckler: Ah come on you're ever so good.
Announcer: You're just saying that.
Heckler: No honestly I think you're fabulous, say some more, go on, say some more.
Announcer: (coyly) No.
Heckler: Aw go on, I'll give you a kiss.
Announcer: (coyly) No.
Heckler: Go on.
Announcer: Alright, let us return to the depths of Sherwood forest to meet the greatest outlaw of them all.
Heckler: Yes lets.
Announcer: (sings) In days of old when men were bold, And spent their time in doing good, There lived in Sherwood forest, A man called Robin Hood.
Heckler: (tearfully) I didn't know you could sing.
Announcer: Over now to the outlaws hideout.
Maid Marian: Robin, Robin where are you? Robin.
Friar Tuck: Why Maid Marian, what are you doing here?
Maid Marian: Oh! Friar Tuck, you caught me unawares.
Friar Tuck: I never touched them madam, but this is no place for a young lady, let alone an old bag like you.
Maid Marian: Friar Tuck, I'm looking for Robin, do you know where he is?
Friar Tuck: I think he's under the greenwood tree.
Maid Marian: Oh good, I'll go and find him.
Friar Tuck: I should wait till he comes out.
Robin Hood: (sings) Heigh Ho for the Lincoln Green......
Friar Tuck: Ah that's Robin now, yes here he comes.
Robin Hood: Why if it isn't Maid Marian, come here you lovely creature.
Friar Tuck: Stop it Robin, she'll get jealous. That's Maid Marian over there.
Robin Hood: Ah me, so it is. Let us sit down on this mossy bank, I'm exhausted.
Maid Marian: Why so.
Robin Hood: I've been hunting bear all afternoon, and I'm frozen.
Maid Marian: Robin, I've heard that there's to be an archery competition at Nottingham and a prize of 500 golden crowns for the winner.
Friar Tuck: Well we all know who's the best archer around here don't we.
Alan a'Gabriel: (As Walter Gabriel from the archers) Hello there Robin me old pal, me old beauty.
Robin Hood: Alan a'Gabriel.
Alan a'Gabriel: Here, here, here, here, what's all this I've a heard about an archery competition.
Maid Marian: Tis true, there is an archery competition and Robin is going to win it.
Alan a'Gabriel: Ooooooh.
Robin Hood: The trouble is I'm wanted by the Sheriff, cheeky thing. I shall have to go in disguise otherwise I shall be thrown into prison.
Alan a'Gabriel: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Robin Hood: Alan a'Gabriel run along now, run along? We have work to do.
Alan a'Gabriel: Alright Robin, I know when I ain't a wanted, it ain't fair that it ain't treating an old man like me, they ain't got no respect for my grey hair oh, ooh, ooooh.
FX: Thud as Alan a'Gabriel falls over.
Robin Hood: Poor old soul we only keep him on out of cruelty.
Maid Marian: Robin, do you think you can win this archery competition?
Robin Hood: But of course my dear, but I shall need a new bow.
Maid Marian: Why?
Robin Hood: Because my hairs such a mess.
Maid Marian: What was that?
Robin Hood: I think I've bust my corset.
Friar Tuck: No no no look, its a message with an arrow attached.
Robin Hood: What does it say?
Friar Tuck: Made in Japan.
Robin Hood: No no no the message.
Friar Tuck: It says "Here comes Will Scarlet".
Will Scarlet: Robin, Robin.
Robin Hood: Odd socks it's Will Scarlet.
Will Scarlet: Robin there's a stranger in the woods.
Robin Hood: What's he doing.
Will Scarlet: He's hunting deer.
Robin Hood: Is he really duckie, did you recognise him?
Will Scarlet: Yes - it looked like Sir Angus of the Prune.
Robin Hood: Sir Angus of the Prune, this is our chance, we shall ambush him, take his clothes, then I shall go to Nottingham disguised as Sir Angus of the Prune and win the archery competition.
Maid Marian: But you don't look a bit like Sir Angus.
Robin Hood: That's alright, he doesn't look like me. Now then lets gather the outlaws. (calls) Little John, Little John, Little John.
Little John: (very high pitched) Yes Robin?
Robin Hood: Ah there you are, we're going to ambush Sir Angus of the Prune.
Little John: Goody goody gumdrops, I'll go and get my quarter staff.
Robin Hood: Why haven't you got a whole one?
Little John: Well we're rather short staffed.
Robin Hood: That is no excuse, its not even a joke ! Oh well I'd better fetch my arrows and quiver, on second thoughts I'll quiver first. Brrrr. Right come Lads.
Announcer: (sings) So Robin and his merry men, Did hasten through the greenwood, And there they did prepare to trap, Sir Angus of the Prune.
Robin Hood: Well Friar Tuck is everything ready for Sir Angus?
Friar Tuck: Yes it is Robin, we've rolled Little John across the road to block his path and Will Scarlet is hiding in the bushes.
Robin Hood: Don't tell me he's torn his trousers again.
Friar Tuck: No Robin. We're all going to lie concealed and then when Sir Angus comes along we'll surprise him.
Robin Hood: How?
Friar Tuck: We'll all jump out wearing false noses and sing happy days are here again.
Robin Hood: Good work Tuck, Tuck good work and here comes Sir Angus now.
Sir Angus: (sings) In Nottingham there lives a maid, Sing fol de rol de ri do, And she was mistress of her art, Wilikins walikins rhubarb tart.
Robin Hood: Hold hard there Sir Angus, get off that horse.
Sir Angus: I'm not riding a horse.
Robin Hood: Oh I'm so sorry.
Sir Angus: It's a Water Buffalo.
Robin Hood: But why are you riding a Water Buffalo?.
Sir Angus: It's quicker than walking
Robin Hood: Be that as it may, you're coming along with us, tonight you shall be our guest of honour at a banquet under the greenwood tree, you'll enjoy it, we're having Water Buffalo.
Sir Angus: But aren't you going to rob me?
Robin Hood: Wait till you get the bill. But we want more than your money, we want your clothes.
Sir Angus: My clothes, but what will I wear?
Robin Hood: Don't worry, I'll lend you a suit of homespun Lincoln green, which we make ourselves.
Sir Angus: How do you make Lincoln green?
Robin Hood: Give him a dose of castor oil.
Sir Angus: You unprincipled rogue, the Sheriff of Nottingham shall hear of this. He listens every week. He and I are very close. In fact he's probably even closer than I am.
Robin Hood: Yes the Sheriff is a greedy old miser. Think of all the tax he gets from the peasants.
Sir Angus: Well he needs something to keep his carpets down. Anyway he's not all that unfair to the peasants. He only takes fifty percent of their corn.
Robin Hood: So that's where he gets his material.
Announcer: (sings) And so next morning Robin Hood, Disguised as Angus of the Prune, Together with Maid Marian, Set out for Notting-Hume.
Grimbling Sheriff, Sheriff it's me Grimbling your faithful bailiff. Oh Sheriff I bring you grave news sir grave news. I have ridden day and night for the last half hour to bring you this news. Robin Hood is arrived in Nottingham disguised as Sir Angus of the Prune for the archery contest.
Sheriff: Robin Hood here in Nottingham, you have done well Grimbling. Here take this tennis racket for your services.
Grimbling: Thank you very much sir.
Sheriff: Robin Hood at last within my clutches. Grimbling: have him brought to me dead or alive, and preferably both.
Grimbling: But sir he is to wiley.
Sheriff: He may have been to clever in the past but this time Grimbling:, you mark my words.
Grimbling: Ten out of ten Sir.
Sheriff: Thank you, but this Grimbling: time he will not grasp so easily through my slip. This time Grimbling: I have a plan.
Grimbling: A plan?
Sheriff: Yes a plan ! I shall set a trap for Master Hood and he will walk innocently and unsuspecting into it. Then when he's in my trap do you know what I shall do?
Grimbling: Shut your trap.
Sheriff: Careful Grimbling:.
Announcer: (sings) And so they came from far and wide, To Nottingham that afternoon, To find out which among them was, The best shot with a Bow and Arrow, Egg and Spoon.
Sheriff: Ah well Grimbling: there seems to be a good crowd here for the tournament, I say what's that going on over there?
Grimbling: That's Morris dancing.
Sheriff: Yes, I've been a little worried about Morris lately.
Grimbling: Yes sire, wait a minute, look sire, over there, that's him.
Sheriff: That's who?
Sheriff: Robin who.
Grimbling: Robin the rich.
Grimbling: To give to the poor.
Sheriff: But how do you know?
Grimbling: I recognise his legs sir, I know those legs anywhere, those are his legs alright.
Sheriff: Don't bandy legs with me Grimbling:. Now come along, if all goes well with my plan Robin Hood will ride no more, He'll have to walk.
Maid Marian: Robin, Robin.
Robin Hood: Here I am Marian.
Maid Marian: Oh I didn't recognise you, that black patch over your left eye was a brilliant idea.
Robin Hood: Yes, but I'm not so happy about the black patch over my right eye.
Maid Marian: Oh Robin, are you sure we'll be alright? I don't feel safe.
Robin Hood: Don't worry my dear, you're with me.
Maid Marian: That's why I don't feel safe.
Robin Hood: The contest is beginning.
Herald:: My lords, ladies and gentlemen. Pray silence. Here is the result of the first competition of the afternoon. Sir Otto of Wensleydale who consumed his arrow with butter and jam in 30 seconds exactly is named the winner of this years Eaten and Arrow match. Be that as it may, the archery tournament is about to commence, so kindly take your seats and put them on the chairs provided. Each contestant will fire one arrow, only, individually at the target, one at a time and no more. Any contestant firing more than one arrow is a dirty cheat. The target shall be at one hundred paces, not more than fifty of which shall be backwards, and the winner shall receive fifty pieces of gold. Very tiny pieces of gold. The first contestant is Sir Richard of Tewkesley.
Robin Hood: What a terrible shot.
Maid Marian: Yes, darling hold still and I'll pull it out.
Herald:: The next contestant Lord Ulrich of...
Robin Hood: Where did that one go
Maid Marian: Straight through Friar Tuck's hat.
Robin Hood: But Friar Tuck isn't wearing a hat.
Maid Marian: Oh dear.
Herald:: And the next contestant is Sir Angus of the Prune.
Maid Marian: It's your turn Robin, good luck.
Robin Hood: Thank you, what are we aiming at?
Maid Marian: That big target there in front of the castle.
Robin Hood: What castle? Oh well here goes.
Maid Marian: Right in the bull's eye, you won Robin, Oh Robin I could Kiss you.
Robin Hood: I say, steady on. I'd better go and collect the prize money from the Sheriff. Excuse me are you the Sheriff.
Cowboy:No I'm a deputy Sheriff. Ye haw. If you want the Sheriff he's over there.
Robin Hood: Sheriff, I have come to claim the prize money.
Sheriff: Not so fast Sir Angus.
Robin Hood: Oh alright (very slowly) Sheriff, I have come to claim...
Sheriff: Sir Angus, before I give you the money I must ask you to look at what I have in this casket.
Robin Hood: But it's ticking, what is it?
Sheriff: Open it and see.
Robin Hood: What shall I do?
OMNES: Take the money...Open the box.
Sheriff: So you hesitate, guards arrest this man, seize him.
Robin Hood: But why?
Sheriff: Because I know that you are Robin Hood.
Robin Hood: Wrong, I am really Angus of the Prune disguised as Robin Hood disguised as Angus of the Prune.
Sheriff: I don't believe it.
Robin Hood: Tis true, tis true, the man who called himself Sir Angus you will find tied under a tree disguised as Robin Hood.
Sheriff: I won't even ask you why a tree should be disguised as Robin Hood.
Robin Hood: Just as well.
Sheriff: But in that case where is the real Robin Hood.
Robin Hood: Robin Hood, he doesn't exist, Robin Hood's just a legendary figure.
Robin Hood: What's more the Sheriff of Nottingham doesn't exist either.
Sheriff: Don't I?
Robin Hood: Of course not, so just drop that silly voice and be yourself.
Sheriff: (as pirate) Aaah ha Jim lad.
MUSIC: Play out.