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HAIRY EYEBALLS!
Dear Editor,
I’ve just had a horrible thought: HAIRY EYEBALLS!
Yours Juan O’Clock
Yes, thoughts like that won’t help.
SLY COMMENTS
Dear The Clap!
What’s with all your sly comments about Northern Uproar?? They’re the best
young indie band around at the moment. Yeah right, Hurricane # 1 above them - I don’t think so some how. And by the way, since you compared the 'Roar' to Barnsley F.C., I thought I should tell you that Barnsley are staying up.
So go and buy the album and sit on Parkers Piece listening to it on your own. ‘Cos that’s all you’re good for. Norman no mates. I look forward to your reply, or are you scared to aknowledge the truth?
Mark Hammond, e-mail
I admit my knowledge of Northern Uproar is fairly uneducated, based on a couple of weedy single offerings, - but in a paper that says just about everything is brilliant we feel the need to throw in the old sly one especially if we think those under scrutiny live far enough away (Northern Uproar) or can’t fight back (Parkers Piece).
I’ll give the album a listen but wait til the end of the season before I admit that Barnsley are staying up - however I’ll do neither on Parkers Piece, which really is asking too much.
CAMBRIDGE IS TO HOST THIS YEAR’S EUROVISION SONG CONTEST!
Dear Andy Clap!
Following on from last issue when I admitted that there was nothing I didn’t know about Cambridge, I would like to pass on some inside information that has come my way in my capacity of sticking my nose in where it’s not wanted. Cambridge is to host this year’s Eurovision Song Contest! Straight up! It follows - England won it last year, so we are the host nation, and Katrina and the Waves are from Cambridge - so we are the host city. The Boat Race is going to be the venue although naturally at this stage they are keeping very tight lipped about it. My great mate Terry Wogan said ‘What a lot of bollocks,’ but only because he is being replaced this year by Cambridge fly posting/stripping legend Colin Hazel. Anything else you want to know, come to me.
Geoff Barlow, More Tea Vicar.
Yes, so long as you keep your ears wagging close to the ground I’ll never be short of a story, true or otherwise.
Dear Myself,
I am having great difficulty in thinking up daft ideas for letters in this issue so what I thought I’d do is write this one in the vague hope that people don’t actually read this page but when quickly glancing it over are superficially impressed by how many readers appear to write in.
Yours Myself.
It’s okay, don’t worry. As it happens you’ve just received a whole pile of letters about the craziest race ever ‘The Dipsy Doodle Desert Derby!’ (aka ‘Whacky Races’) and these letters will fill your letters page handsomely. Whether or not any of your readers will get their heads round them I seriously doubt, but it looks good.
THE DIPSY DOODLE DESERT DERBY!!
Dear Ed,
Normally before going to work I watch the Big Breakfast but today it was all becoming a bit predictable so I tried the other channels. It proved to be the best move I’ve ever made - ‘Whacky Races’ was on, and I love it!
In this episode Dick Dastardly gained a good enough lead to take time out. In order to trick the other racers he painted a chasm across the road, the idea being that they’d be scared of crashing down it so they’d stop. As it turned out they didn’t notice it and raced on leaving D.D way behind. Poor old Dick Dastardly, when he tried to drive over his painted chasm he went crashing down it. Work that one out.
A reborn ‘Whacky Races’ fan, Cambridge
PENELOPE’S CHEEKY REMARK!
Dear Ed,
It was Penelope Pitstop who once again caught the eye in today’s ‘Whacky Races’. The event was ‘The Great Gold Rush’ and in freezing conditions there were all sorts of avalanchous hazards to face. Penelope was well on form though and came through it all with a smile and a cheeky remark for the commentator, "Cold hands warm heart, that’s what I always say!" I’ve been thinking about her ever since.
A Penelope Pitstop fan, Cambridge
PROF PAT PENDING LOSING IT?
Dear Ed,
Do you think Professor Pat Pending is losing his ‘kindly old guy’ image? Normally he uses his genius and unlimited supply of resources to adapt his crazy machine to any given situation. Only this week I’ve seen him change his car into a giant Yo-Yo (it didn’t work) and I’ve seen him produce a Super Dooper Scooper for some reason or other.
What worried me was the moment when he tried to sabotage the Buzz Wagon. Stooping to Dick Dastardly levels he simply sprayed a rusting agent onto its spinning circular saw wheels to make them sieze up. Luckily, Rufus Rough Cut had a can of super lubricant (like WD 40) on board and saved the day.
The point is I expect better from Professor Pat Pending.
A ‘Whacky Races’ nut, Cambridge
MUTTLEY, DO SOMETHING
Dear Ed,
I had to laugh watching today’s ‘Whacky Races’. Somehow D.D.found himself on top of a giant jet of water and shouted, "Muttley, do something, anything!" Muttley had a quick think, then did a tidy tap dance! D.D was not amused but I certainly was.
A dog lover, Cambridge
"I AM AN ALLIGATOR" GROWLS D.D. UNCONVINCINGLY
Dear Ed,
‘Whacky Races’ was on crazy form in the jungle this morning, did you see it? D.D. was the early leader, but never one to take advantage, he stopped to put on an alligator suit.
Soon the lovely Penelope Pitstop rolled up and D.D. cried pathetically "GO BACK! I AM AN ALLIGATOR. I AM MEAN AND STRONG!" To this Penelope joked, "Especially strong!" meaning in smell, and sprayed him with perfume.
Anyway along came nice guy, Peter Perfect and tied D.D. in knots, literally. It turns out that he’s the alligator wrestling champion of Alaska, Unbelievable! It just goes to show you never really know a person.
The story doesn’t end there. D.D. still in his alligator suit was picked up by an amorous female alligator (lipstick, eye-lashes) who showed him a short-cut through the jungle. I don’t know what happened next as I was already late for work, but whoever said cheats never prosper was wrong on this occasion.
A ‘Whacky Races’ enthusiast, Cambridge
ALSO RANS
Dear Ed,
Have you noticed what ‘ALSO RANS’ the Ant-Hill Mob and Red Max are? They never have any luck,
P.Pitstop, Bar Hill, Cambs.
PENELOPE PITSTOP REJECTS DICK DASTARDLY
Dear Ed,
I was very concerned this morning when D.D. ended up next to Penelope Pitstop in her car. ‘Oh no! The rat’s got in the cheese cupboard!’ I thought.
I needn’t have worried. The cool Penelope pressed the ejector seat button and sent the evil bastard into orbit. She excused her unsociable behaviour saying it was, "on account of them not being properly introduced!" I love her accent whatever she says.
A P.P fan, Shelford
WHACKY RACES FAN LOSES JOB
Dear Ed,
I went to work after ‘Whacky Races’ this morning and was sacked for being late on a regular basis. I pointed out that it isn’t my fault that ‘Whacky Races’ is on at an awkward time. My boss replied, "There are more important things in life than ‘Whacky Races.!" I can’t think of any, can you?
An unemployed ‘Whacky Races’ fan, Cambridge.
Keep those ‘Whacky Races’ letters coming in!!
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